Monday, December 19, 2005

Recipe for a Perfect Christmas - Part Two

We come back to another office scene where PMEL is talking with Sassy Best Friend (SBF) about tthe previous night's events. PMEL gets nostalgic and we learn lesson #2 - single career women are emotionally damaged. PMEL talks about how much she misses her dead father and what a huge void she has in her life without daddy. Evil Blonde brings in Metrosexual Editor #2 who tells PMEL that this is her big chance and she will need to find her own voice and blow everyone away. Otherwise it's back to the gulag.

Cut to Alex and Brother in Law walking down the street after being turned down by a bank for a loan. They fret some more, but that's boring so we cut to Christine. She's regaling the token gay secretary about the reggae version of Good King Wenscelaus. It appears what makes it reggae is the aggresive use of the word "mon." That's so amusing, except it isn't. Chrstine then spills the beans that JJ (PMEL) stands for Janis Joplin. Because PMEL is the daughter of a free spirit. Just in case we forgot. What *I* would like to forget is the stupid reggae Good King Wenscelaus. Christine worms her way into having lunch with her food critic daughter and Evil Blonde. At the restaurant, PMEL plays it all Ruth Reichl with a fake name, but Christine the attention whore blows her cover and announces her daughter is the food critic for Glow.

After lunch Alex the restauranteur is stalking SMEL at her office, hoping to meet with the food critic. What is up with the tv rule that completely unprofessional behavior gets you what you want? Did you all see Gilmore Girls where Rory lands a job by stalking her internship supervisor and insists that he hand her a job? That's what I'm talking about.

Oh and here's the harrowing of Christine. She's at her agent's office but it appears her agent died and got replaced by his son who wants nothing to do with the day old fish that is Christine Baranski. Dude, she was in CHICAGO. Give her a job.

While Christine can't get a job, she decided to Christmasfy PMEL's apartment. This makes the bitter career gal cranky. SMEL declares her apartment a Christmas-free zone. She dead inside isn't she? To press that point even further, the contents of PMEL's closets are on her bed. It's a sea of stylish black dresses. Black dresses indicate cold and dead inside as opposed to "goes with everything." Vibrant women wear bright colors. Of course Christine breaks any boundary she may have as a mother by talking about her daughter's hot tits and ass. I wish my mother was such a free spirit she would compliment me on my sexy ass. DEAR GOD NO.

Christine sponges off her daughter some more by tagging along to a sushi dinner with SBF and her boyfriend. Of course Chrstine is all kinds of inappropriate with SBF's boyfriend. Finally PMEL ditches her mother and flees to SBF's apartment to bitch some more about what a pain in the ass her mother is and how she's a busy career gal on deadline. During this whole scene SMEL makes a bowl of cereal with five different kinds of cereal, making her all Meg Ryan quirky and cute.

In the next scene Christine seems determined to drive all of America crazy by doing aerobics while singing the Twelve Days of Christmas. Rather than sing five GOLDEN Rings. She sings five GOOOOLD rings. I'd put her on the street for that, but there are far worse offenses coming up. Pushy Alex then knocks on PMEL's door with a plate of food. He's desperate for a good review. When Alex says he'll do ANYTHING for a review, PMEL offers to come to the restaurant if Alex occupies her mother so she can work. He agrees.

The next day Chrstine and PMEL are in a bookstroe in the food section. PMEL and Alex do a little meet cute over MFK Fisher as they are both foodies. At least they didn't choose the Sandra Lee. He approaches Christine and she immediately starts talking about what a dog Camilla Parker Bowles is. This leads to the primping scene where PMEL is trying to find someone to go to dinner with her while Christine is in some "sexy" peach dress putting on makeup. PMEL harangues her mother about looking like a whore and her mother says that there's nothing wrong with being in touch with your sexuality.

Oh poor bitter career gal. She found noone to go to the Middle Eastern restaurant with her. She ends up ordering half the menu as if that wouldn't alert the management that she's a food critic.

Then comes the most atrocious scene ever created. How much did they pay Christime Baranski? It isn't enough. She and Alex are at a karaoke bar and of course she has to sing. But Christine Baranski, Broadway star doesn't pick some classy Stephen Sondheim number. Oh no, she decides to sing "Shadows of the Night" by Pat Benetar. This is a musical abortion. No seriously, it's painful.

THANK GOD. We cut away from humiliating Christine Baranski to the Middle Eastern restaurant. A bunch of guys are trying to get in for a bachelor party. As it turns out PMEL might have people to share her meal with after all. Not only that, they are GAY. Because in every chick flick since My Best Friend's Wedding, the protagonist needs Gay accessories more than she needs Manolo Blahniks.

1 comment:

Katie said...

As a bitter single career woman, eagerly awaiting the sure to be scintillating finale! :)