Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Top Chef - Episode 2

Ok. I am totally recapping the entire run of Top Chef because 11 comments! Me likey. So the theme of episode 2 is desserts. Before we start, did you know that Stephen is a sommelier? I would have never guessed, if not for the fact that he reminds us of it every five seconds. Also, a tip o' the hat to the producers of Top Chef who chose to set the show in America's best food city, San Francisco. Sorry DC. Step up to the plate.

Speaking of plates, the quickfire challenge this week is making fruit plates. While most end up looking like a Las Vegas buffet, the standouts include dykey Tiffani who did some lovely caramelization, nerdy Harold who showed off his knife skills with elaborate little fruit fans, and pretentious Stephen who put everything into little teacups. Inventive, but from the comments of the other chefs, he was more focused on presentation that flavor. But that is enough, because the even dykier guest judge (who is a pastry chef) chooses Stephen as the winner. Even though it isn't shown, I am certain Stephen spent the next day lording it over everyone.

In the next scene, Billy Joel's Child Bride comes to talk about the next challenge. Talk is really a relative term since her delivery makes Natalie Portman's Queen Amidala look like an overemotional spazz. I'm just saying, that girl is dead inside. She introdcues a lady of a certian age who is decked out in little leather outfit complete with top hat. She talks about the challenge, which is to make a dessert for her leather/latex shop.

Cut to the competitors discussing the challenge. Miguel is getting all spazzy about it and shows his naievete when a reference to hair pies goes completely over his head. They shop and then get to work on their desserts. Everything goes well, except for poor crazy Cynthia who is all over the place. Then we get to THE INCIDENT. There is always THE INCIDENT on every reality show. It's either a fight or a meltdown. This time it's a fight. Someone turns down the temperature on Lee Ann's oven so she needs to have a little more time to bring it back up to temperature. She asks the group if she can have a minute that day and she will work a minute less the next day. Tiffani tightasses that rules are rules and Lee Ann has to end when everyone else does. Lee Ann sucks it up and just throws away the phyllo pastries she was making. But Tiffani is dead to Lee Ann and to me as well.

They finish their desserts but unfortunately, a few intrpid folks decided to make ice cream desserts which are melting like the wicked witch. Especially affected is poor crazy Cynthia. They deliver the desserts to the sex shop where Billy Joel's Child Bride tells them that they need to sex themselves up and be propoer ambassadors for their cooking. I'd like to note that Billy Joel's Child Bride is wearing a tighter version of the usual spaghetti strap dress she usually wears and her hair and makeup is up to New Jersey proportions. The only judge even trying to get into the act is the guest judge and the contestants are really doing much either. Except for Miguel who looks like an S/M version of groundskeeper Willie complete with red wig.

So the contestants have to whore themselves out to the sex shop's party guests, one of which is RuPaul. RuPaul, this is BRAVO, your over the top drag queening isn't really all that outrageous. Especially next to the antics of Wendy Pepper and Santino.

Judging - the judges point out that while Tiffani's concept of cookie necklaces was interesting, the cookies tasted like crap. They also point out that the champagne Stephen picked to pour over his apple celery gelee (blech) was way too dry. OOOH! Burn! At the end of the evening, the judges call Miguel, Brian, and Stephen in as their top three. They end up choosing Miguel, much to the chagrin of Stephen who Santinoed that it should have been him.

The three up for elimination are Dave with with his tit for tat dessert that looked like a hot mess, Andrea with her chocolate and nut dessert that looked like a girl scout project, and Cynthia with her melting bombe. In the end it was Andrea who gets eliminated. The judges rightly point out that her natural, organic style of cooking is hardly revolutionary in this day and age. Especially in San Francisco I might add.


rebecca 1.0 said...

speaking of san francisco food & reality shows... i had an amazing brunch in the castro on sunday. creamy polenta topped with a poached egg & smoked salmon. washed down with a bellini. sunny warm day. and who was sitting behind us? no joke, coral from the real world. awesome.

ScottE. said...

genius! i have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. you nailed...Billy Joel's Child Bride! Grounds Keeper Willy. Perfect recap! THANK YOU!.

john patrick said...

To be perfectly honest, I prefer reading your snarky recaps to actually watching the show. Watching the show makes me tense, and dammit, I'm a high school teacher. I don't need that kind of anxiety.

I move that you recap for the rest of the season.

Barbara (Biscuit Girl) said...

I watched the show and loved your recap. Stephen really needs to be brought down a few pegs. Talk about pompous ass! And Tiffani.....take a chill pill hon.

Here's a typical conversation between the two:

Stephen: Have I mentioned that I am great, wonderful, I save kittens from burning buildings, and and highly superior to all of you?

Tiffani: Stop TALKING!! Time is have to shut your mouth when the timer goes off.....rules are rules.....

Stef said...

I second the motion that you recap all of them!

Talk is really a relative term since her delivery makes Natalie Portman's Queen Amidala look like an overemotional spazz.

Had me rolling off my chair!

I agreed that Andrea should go, but I *hate* Stephen and Tiffani. I think Tiffani's worse, actually, cuz she's both pompous and mean. I missed this week's episode but hope to get it in reruns over the weekend. Which is likely, cuz, you know, it's Bravo!